A Ruthless Genocide of the Ant Population…

July 1, 2008 | 1:04 AM

For the last two weeks I have been engaged in a land war of epic proportions… a battle of wits, if you will, between thousands of tiny ants… and me.  At first I found them prancing around near my computer desk, and I tracked them to a dead june bug near the wall.  That afternoon I began my assault, spraying the region with Ortho Home Defense.  I continued my offensive and covered all points of entry or exit- windows and doors especially.

The survivors mounted an insurgence, ravaging another june bug by the fireplace in the living room.  I mounted an offensive, wiping out the enemy in that quadrant, and after laying down a cover of Ortho at the entry and exit points, all was quiet on the battlefield for several days.

Then, last Wednesday night, I made hamburgers.  As I pulled out my hamburger buns, I found them infested… another invasion by the dreaded ants.  All that was lost were those buns, and the Ortho Home Defense came out once again- decimating the enemy in the pantry area.  Since my enemy is stealthy, I could not detect their entry or exit points, and since all appeared dead, I considered the matter finally finished.

I was wrong.  The next day, coming up from the bathtub drain, I saw no less than fifteen of my adversaries roaming the shower area.  Again I went on the offensive, and again I surrounded the perimeter with Ortho.  Encountering only a few scouts over the next few days, I assumed the war would soon be at an end.

The war had only begun.  Tonight was their blitzkreig; the ants decimated my food supply in the pantry, invading my cereal, oatmeal, macaroni, bagels, buns, and sandwich bread.  In addition, they moved into every box nearby, costing me a good bit of money, I’m sure.  I evacuated the pantry of what could be salvaged and began my shock and awe response.  This time I was able to see the exact location of their entry into my apartment- the opening in the pantry ceiling, which I can only imagine leads out to an attic.  Regardless, I sprayed my Ortho directly along their path, napalming them with poison from top to bottom.  No ant was spared, no inch uncovered.  It was uncompromising genocide.

As for the pantry… it is ant-free, for now.  My adversary has been decimated, and with Grant’s Ant Traps located in strategic locations around the apartment to back up the Ortho Home Defense, I think that the Great Ant War of the Summer of 2008 may soon be at an end.

Then again, I’ve killed three scouts in my study just as I wrote this post.  Updates from the front forthcoming.

Posted in Fort Worth, Life